Missing the point entirely: There is nothing wrong with your dog!

Have you ever thought about how we humans sometimes miss the point entirely? I don't mean missing the point of a joke being told...yes, that happens too (insert smile)...but we sometimes get so bogged down with our blinders on when it comes to our social interactions and relationships with other people - be it family members, friends, or just people we interact with that we don't take a moment to step back and re-assess before we act or speak.

We easily get offended or hurt, we take things personally, and then we 'attack'....we react. This happens frequently for most people, and it’s ‘normal’ to us.

 It's quite funny how we then like to label our dogs as 'reactive' or 'aggressive' when in fact they are just responding (reacting) to unknown or scary stimuli (no different than us, really).

 What if I told you that you are very reactive or aggressive in your dealings with other people... Most people would take offense to being labeled in that way, as if there is something wrong with you, right?

 The point is we treat our dogs, our pets, as if there is something wrong with them and we have to correct their behavior. We have been conditioned to think that way for decades, thanks to the pet industry.....dog trainers, veterinarians, etc….if our dog is not well behaved, there is something wrong with the dog - OR the dog parents!

Dogs have become commodities - the perfect pet who sits, comes, stays, walks nicely on leash, etc. Most people dream of being able to take their pet dog everywhere with them - because dogs are family. 

When that illusion bursts because your pet dog is not comfortable with other people petting him or visitors coming ‘unannounced’ to the home, or he gets ‘worked up’ and barks every time another dog walks into the cafe area where you are sitting with your dog…..what do you do? 

You look up dog trainers, perhaps, and find that their websites all reinforce ‘the well behaved pet dog’.  

We expect, because we have been told it is possible (look up almost any dog trainer website), that our dog can and should learn to be ‘well behaved’. 

Let’s step back for a moment and put things into perspective

Let’s talk about DOGS. Your DOG - not your ‘pet’. I am sure your dog at some point has been a nuisance or worse. DOGS do many weird things. The weird stuff often make us laugh. They do many annoying things too, which make us frustrated of course.

The thing about emotions like frustration, anger, and stress is that first of all, they do not benefit anyone. They are harmful to the sender as well as the receiver. Negative emotions are often triggered by unmet expectations or goals, and by taking things personally. When it comes to other people, we take things personally.

It’s a great wisdom to learn to not take anything personally because, really, nothing that another person does has anything to do with you. It may seem like it does at times but really we humans mostly act out of fear and so we might say hurtful things to try to hurt or blame someone else - when the one we really are hurting is ourselves.

It’s one thing what we do or say to other humans, but when it comes to our dogs, our common sense goes out the window. We think our dog is being ‘stubborn’ or ‘spiteful’ if he does something else other than what we ask of him. We call our dog ‘reactive’ or ‘aggressive’, or ‘bad’ dog - when really he is just responding to what he perceives as a threat to his safety or even survival - because we have failed to help him feel safe!!

We focus so much on the problematic behavior, be it barking, jumping, nipping, growling, etc. which we want to stop, that we don’t realize that the reason we get frustrated is that we don’t understand WHY the behavior happens in the first place, nor do we care to find out - because we have been conditioned to think that dog behavior can and should be ‘corrected’ with training.

And so our frustration stems from the unmet expectation of how a dog is supposed to behave (“when he is well-trained”).

Most, if not all, negative emotions emerge because of a lack of understanding, a lack of perspective, and thereby lack of predictability. 

For humans and dogs alike, lack of predictability can lead to all kinds of insecurities, stress, and frustration. When your spouse, whom you presumably know very well, does or says something and you know exactly what he or she will do subsequently, you feel safer than if you are in the company of a stranger and you don’t know what their next move may be.

It is no different for our dogs. Being able to predict what happens next can be a matter of life or death….for any living species in their natural habitat.

Because we have domesticated our pet dogs and they now live as part of the family sharing almost the same status as our kids, we have built these somewhat unrealistic expectations for their behavior. We send them to obedience class training or Board & train school to learn ‘how to behave’ (like our kids have to learn how to behave). Take the AKC’s ‘Canine Good Citizen’ class, for example, just the title alone tells us we think of our dogs as little humans who have to learn to be good citizens.

Your dog is family….But is he really?

Although, most of us think of our dogs as family members, they do not share the same freedom and choices most family members share (apart from small kids). The fact is, our dogs are domesticated captive species living under our roof with very little say in what happens to them at any point.

WE control everything…..and this ‘perfect pet’ analogy has completely blindsided us to WHO this 4 legged family member really is.

Think about what I just said regarding predictability….how important this is to the brain of any living species.

When we don’t understand the breed of dog we have chosen to share our lives with, we set ourselves, and our dog, up for failure from day one!! Being able to understand WHY your Border Collie, for example, barks (and possibly nips) at anything that moves makes a HUGE difference in you knowing what to do and what not to do.

It gives you a sense of predictability and you may feel relieved at not being attached to a label others may have given your dog as “aggressive” - when in fact your dog is only doing his ‘job’ = what we humans have selectively bred his breed to do for thousands of years!!!

So, in other words, we humans need to move away from thinking, “There is something wrong with my dog. He is “aggressive”, “a bad dog”, “doesn’t listen”, and “barks at everyone”.

…….There is nothing ‘wrong’ with your dog!……..

He is partly a ‘product’ (his genes) of what we humans artificially selected him for, for thousand of years AND his other 3 *L.E.G.S.® = his Learning so far (good and bad experiences/strategies), his current Environment, physical and social (plus the different environments he has lived in previously), and his Self (his age, sex, gender, developmental stage, his health, etc.)

What about OUR behavior around dogs?

We need to really seriously think about our behavior around dogs. For example: What is happening in the environment around your dog? Does he have a CHOICE in this situation? What is going on with him right now - does he look concerned or uncomfortable? Is someone trying to pet, touch, or move him, perhaps without his consent? Is he feeling SAFE in this very moment? What are you and your family members doing right now to protect him, advocate for him, and earn his trust?

…Because this is what he needs most of all…for his FAMILY to really get to know him and help him navigate this modern life!

Dogs don’t bark for no reason. Dogs don’t growl for no reason. Dogs don’t show teeth or snap for no reason…. Dogs don’t resort to a bite for no reason. Dogs don’t do these things because they are a ‘bad’ dog or because they are ‘aggressive’ or ‘reactive’. They do it for a valid reason: They feel threatened in some way because someone or something is causing them to feel unsafe - and it’s usually because we humans do something to the dog without his consent!!! 

Pause….. and think about that for a moment. 

It is time we step back and really think about WHAT we people are doing to our dogs. Dogs have the same basic needs as we do. We humans love to talk about what our rights are: To make our own decisions in every situation. Choice and agency is so important to us and our survival, our welfare…..how can we possibly think it’s not as important to our dogs….or any other living species on earth?

We humans need to set different expectations for our dogs’ behavior

We need to set different expectations, depending on the breed we live with and their needs. Many of the things we ask of our dogs are completely unreasonable and often don’t make sense to our dogs.

We have to remember that our pet is a DOG whose behavior at any given moment is always supported by his/her 4 *L.E.G.S.® = Learning - Environment - Genetics - Self.

We owe it to our dog to understand him and the implications, on his behavior, of domestication = captivity and lack of choice/agency….

We need to examine IF we are meeting his breed specific needs - because if we are not, problems will arise!

If we start there, and we take a hard look at our own behavior and accept the responsibility and duty as a dog parent to help our dog feel safe in all scenarios - we can begin to heal much of our pet dog population.

Training can be a helpful tool but can never be the ‘treatment’ to treat a dog or ‘cure’ him of his ‘bad’ behavior.

….It is not the dog we need to change but his circumstances/the environment/how we behave around him  - it’s all about WELFARE in the end…… Welfare for you and your dog!!

*= L.E.G.S.® is a scientific model used in Family Dog Mediation®(FDM). The model was created by Applied Ethologist, Kim Brophey, who is also the Founder of FDM. You can find out more about Kim Brophey and Family Dog Mediation® here: https://www.familydogmediation.com